And maybe this writing should just stay “untitled” because I do not really know what I want to write about.
This situation is so weird that trying to figure out what I am feeling is very complicated lately. The conversation between my internal buddies has become very strange, it seems like none of them are sure anymore about their rightfulness. And by inner buddies, I mean those voices that all of us hear on our heads; if you don’t hear them, go get checked because there must be something wrong with you!
Usually what always happens is that the negative part talking on my mind is so convinced of what it is saying, that expresses itself with clarity and arguments, with a kind of “you know nothing (John Snow)” attitude that makes you at least place a seed of doubt even on the lightest and super positive of your days. On the other hand, the ultra hyper and positive dude in my mind is not only convinced of his way of “owning” the truth and the right way to go but also is not even worried about any other parts talking… it always acts like saying: “well, I am who I am, and things will go my way, there is simply no possibility at all for anyone else to rule the next course of action but me.”
These days of the coronavirus. These days of the “pandemic” word, which I have only seen in movies and history books. These days of confinement, homeschooling, home working, home staying, home everything, seems like this parts are going on shock.
They stutter most of the time. Or remain unreachable when I pop an intentional question. Even if they have not lost their tendency to the negative or positive, the very extreme and strange situation seemed to have planted a doubt on the very nature of their structure. They are becoming more neutral and have to say, more silent.
And I am wondering while I write if this is somehow how chaos feels inside one’s head: too much going on out there, so much to look at, think about, feel, elaborate… and inside your mind, just a blank space like never before. A tabula rasa for you to fill with whatever could help you, only you have no idea what it could be. And they, the ones always influencing your decision-making process, either.
You feel lost in the middle of that place where you were trying to be for the longest time: the present. And then irony arrives and takes the center place on the stage of thoughts, who would imagine that to arrive at the present moment you will need this? Wasn’t it supposed to feel good to be there? And the conversations starts again, inside my head. It does feel odd, strange indeed to feel so still in the middle of such huge chaos.
I will enjoy the thinking period of my thinking buddies and hope they’ll learn like all of us to stay still, be patient, and expect whatever without getting lost in silence.
Alejandra Ruíz Gómez
March 18th 2020
Bogotá Colombia